Cool

Caesar Flickerman interviews Peeta before the start of the Hunger Games

As the semester and school year wind to a close, there are several types of awards and award ceremonies at almost every educational institution around the world.  AUBG is no exception.  The first event that kicks off "awards season" is the Honors Convocation which is an opportunity to salute the accomplishments of the students who have earned the highest grades in their departments, overall, etc.

The students at AUBG have another tradition.  Apparently feeling that "Honors" convo. was not enough, the students started their own award ceremony 15 years ago.  Since "Honors" was already taken, the student ceremony was christened "More Honors" (or "Moroners," depending on your perspective).

This ceremony is not exactly the same as the honors convocation.  Instead of awards like "Valedictorian" and "Outstanding Student in History," More Honors has a rotating set of categories that include awards for "Public Enemy," "Hipster," and "Facepalm."  To receive an award at More Honors is not necessarily a "win," but it is certainly a fun event.

Which brings us to the 2012 More Honors ceremony.  The More Honors academy, in its infinite wisdom, nominated Mark for an award.  After a vote by the students, Mark was named the winner.... so Congratulations?

Where do they get these pictures?

The category was "Coolest Non-Student," as the promotional poster pictured above portrays.  The history of this award is long and prestigious.  Previous winners include a goat (technically, a "non-student").  This year the competition was particularly strong as the other candidates included a former Minnesota resident (Prof. Gilbert), the lunch ladies from the canteen (portrayed as "Chef" in the poster) and two question marks.   It is still not clear whether this award is sincere (doubtful as Mark is uncool at a level that only a Dungeons & Dragons player could comprehend) or sarcastic, but either way - He'll take it!!!

So what is the prize for winning this .... honor?  Well, it's not an Oscar or an Emmy, those were already taken.  The only prize statue that was left was the..... well, the Dickie.

Dickie (*editor's note: AUBG logo added for your protection)

This will, of course, hold a place of honor wherever it is displayed.

Omar sneaks up to investigate the suspicious invader.

After the winner's name was announced, Mark was brought before the assembled masses (the More Honors ceremony is one of the most well attended events of the year with more than 1000 people in attendance) to banter with the event's hosts. 

Note to More Honors academy planning committee: You know what someone with a head the size of Mark's head does NOT need?  A giant screen with a close up of the huge head directly behind him... oh wait, we have that?  Well, that probably won't look too silly....

"My head is abnormally large..."

Oh, great.

Mark works on his "Facepalm" for next year's award.

Legendary

Riding high after their dominating win in dodgeball, SamP and Mark headed to the refreshments area.  The AUBG Olympics crew served up salads, meat balls, sausages, rolls, sodas and Pirinsko beer.  (For those who don't know, Blagoevgrad is in the shadow of the Pirin Mountains, and Pirinsko is the locally made brew.  Like Grain Belt in Minneapolis, Spotted Cow in New Glarus, WI and Miller Lite in South Africa).

"You see, professor, the hands go on the rope, and then you pull. "  Whoa.  Slow down and explain that again, you fast talking son of a gun. 

After a little refreshment, SamP started doing what SamP does - inspiring others to do crazy stuff.  For some reason, he was able to convince old, fat, weak and tired Mark to participate in a tug of war competition against big, strong college kids.  What words did he use to convince this unlikeliest of events to transpire?  No one remembers, but there are rumors it began with "Let's be legendary!"

In any event, SamP was in.  Mark was in.  SamP quickly picked up two additional team members.  Batyr, in the blue t-shirt and black shorts, was apparently attempting to participate in every event (it is possible that he did, too, as he walked away with about a dozen medals).  Alexander, the buzz cut wearing shades, was also on the team to bring a little height and leverage to the proceedings.  To be honest, though, he probably should not have been on the team because he was one of the victims strewn about the dodgeball field by the eventual champions and probably needed more time to recover from the devastating wounds (physical, emotional and spiritual) he sustained there.

Game faces.  To conjure the emotion necessary for this hateful game face, Mark thinks of Gary Anderson missing that field goal in the 1998 NFC Championship game.

So that makes 4.  However, the other teams all had five members.  SamP had the team motivated enough to go into competition with only 4, but that might have made all of the vanquished opponents feel bad, so the team decided to find a fifth.  Who would be a worthy addition to this AUBG Olympics team?  If only there was an ACTUAL Olympian hanging around.... well, as luck would have it, there was.  The special guest of the AUBG Olympics was Lyubomir Ganev, a member of the 1988 and 1996 Bulgarian Olympic volleyball teams.  SamP approached him with an offer he could not refuse and the next thing you know, "Lupo" was signed up as the anchor of the team (I told you SamP was convincing) 

Lesson of the day: It is impossible to compete in tug-of-war and keep a semi-dignified look on your face.

The competition was set up as an 8-team, single elimination tournament.  Team SPOPS ("student, professor, olympian, professor, student") lined up for the first match which would be (as they all would be) best 2 out of 3.  The tension was high, the expectations were low.  When the whistle blew.... well, I cannot really tell you what happened.  I only remember 3 things.  First, everything started moving in slow motion.  Second, I am pretty sure I heard Chariots of Fire playing in the distance. And third, the team going against the SPOPS were pulled forward with such incredible force they all five ended up laying face down in the mud, rope burns still smoldering on their palms, with the crowd cheering as if at a Roman arena (or, at least that is how I remember it).  The second of the two "tugs" went the same and SPOPS had won the round, 2-0.  The next round proved the same as SPOPS did little more than make silly faces to win 2-0.

Then something funny started to happen.  We are now talking about 4 tug of war battles.  Granted, they were all victories so far, but they were taking an unhealthy toll.  Cardio vascular fitness began to fall into the "questionable" range.  Mark, an avid indoorsman, started feeling too winded to do tug of war.  This is not a good sign.  The meatballs and Pirinsko started to haunt team SPOPS as well.  However, ever the true sportsmen, team SPOPS pulled out a third victory, this one hard fought and hard won.

Now, the only thing standing between SPOPS and the gold medal in tug o war was team VOLTRON (awesome name).  This is them:

Voltron: Defenders of the Universe?

So keen observers may have already picked up this information, but for those who have not, it is obvious that this team has CHEATED, obtained UNFAIR ADVANTAGES and should be DISQUALIFIED from competition.  What exactly are these heinous violations?  I think they are pretty obvious, but if you need a little help:

(1) It is well-known fact that VOLTRON is made up of five robot lions.  It is pretty clear that robot lions are not eligible to participate in the AUBG Olympics.

(2) Clearly, the lead puller's hand is on the yellow part of the rope - that's a disqualification!!!!

And, probably most importantly...

(3) They are a LOT stronger than team SPOPS.  I mean look at the arms on these guys.  And they were not even winded.  That's not fair!  

Um...

 So, anyway, team SPOPS had to settle for the silver.  At first Mark was quite disappointed in this consolation prize.  Upon closer inspection, however, the etching in the medallion is pretty funny.... so it ain't all bad.

Dodge, Duck, Dip, Dive and .... ?

So - funny story.  A couple of weekends ago, Mark decided to head down to Porter Field, which houses the baseball diamond for the Blagoevgrad Buffaloes (at least that's what the sign said).  On this day the Buffaloes were no where to be seen, but the field was alive with the action of the games of the XIIth Olympiad (AUBG Olympiad, that is).  The AUBG Olympics is a student-organized event highlighting 17 areas of competition from the silly, unimportant sports (like soccer, volleyball and swimming) to those of utmost importance (like dodgeball and tug-o-war).

As mentioned, Mark ventured to this venue, but not really with any particular goal in mind.  However, all that went out the window when, upon arrival Mark ran into Prof. Sam Pinnochio Pimento Potolicchio (let's just call him "SamP").  SamP is a professor of political science at Georgetown University and wins lots of awards for teaching and lecturing and what not BUT, it should be noted, had no previous award in the field of dodgeball.  SamP was in town to give a lecture about charisma and embracing the unknown at the TEDx conference at AUBG.

For those who are unfamiliar, ted.com is a website which carries video copies of short speeches given by a wide range of people on whatever topic each particular speaker chooses.  TED is dedicated to, according to its tagline, "Ideas worth spreading."  TEDx is similar, but is almost like a franchise.  Local groups from pretty much anywhere can arrange a TEDx conference, invite speakers and have an enlightening and exciting evening of spreading ideas.

Everybody's getting fired up!!!

The reason that this is worth mentioning in a post about dodgeball is that on this day Mark learned the following lesson: if a guy who gets flown halfway around the world to speak about charisma and motivation runs into you at a competitive, participatory sporting event, he will convince you to participate in the sporting event.  So, long story... longer, Mark showed up and SamP formed a team.  Although he had not planned to when he woke up that day, Mark ended up playing on that team.

For those of you who are not familiar, dodgeball is a game invented by the gods to settle disputes.  It is still considered to be the most important game in all of the sporting world and only truly great athletes ever win a dodgeball tournament. (editor's note: no source provided for the preceding paragraph)

You may remember the dodgeball scene from the classic film "Billy Madison."

  

Pink polo and mullet?  So awesome.

In this scene, Billy shows agility and guile in his effort to avoid the projectile hurled forth by the competitor.  Interesting fact: the age difference between Billy Madison and these kindergarteners is the same as between Mark and the AUBGers he defeated en route to the title.

You may also remember the great dodgeball film entitled, appropriately enough, Dodgeball.

Purple outfit and mullet.  Possibly the same kid as in the photo above?

In this sports classic, the Globogym Purple Cobras, led by the be-mulleted Whit(e) Goodman, demonstrate the key aspects of dodgeball: violence, exclusion and degradation.

It is primarily from these cinematic athletic roll models that Mark patterns his dodgeball game.  He takes the agility of Billy Madison combined with the intensity and wild throwing inaccuracy of White Goodman and combines them to form one of the most unique dodgeball players ever.

More dodgeball tips: Intensity leads to velocity.  Velocity > accuracy.  The only player who is safe at this point is the player Mark is actually aiming to hit.

Luckily, however, SamP also recruited some GOOD players to be on the team.  Apparently the best players, as team .... I am not sure the team had a name .... won three matches en route to the 2012 AUBG Olympics dodgeball championship!

That bronze medalist guy in the lower right is not happy... he demands a rematch.